The phone rings. It’s the delivery person letting me know that he is at the door or at the gate. I don’t understand the purpose of it all. What does it accomplish? If I am home, the dog has already told me that the gate is going to be breached. And if I am away, what would the call accomplish? In any case, I already have received umpteen tracking messages from Amazon or wherever the stuff is coming from.

Why do you need to call me? One of the reasons I order online is because it is convenient. I can do it at my leisure which is often at midnight. By calling me once or more (God forbid), you defeat the purpose of convenience. Most of the time when you call me, chances are that I am at work. At another location. Away from my home, the delivery location. Ring the Goddamn bell. Give the packet to whoever opens the door. I am grateful for your service. Just don’t call me.

And don’t ask me for directions. You seem to be adept at using your smartphone. Please use Google maps; you can the sweet lady speak the instructions, at the pace of your movement. You can even change the language if you desire. The voice will guide you better than I can, in a neutral tone, and without prejudice. Don’t call me.

And please ring the bell. It has only one function and feels rather neglected when you don’t use it. Almost every device feels inferior to the smartphone. Don’t contribute to creating a hierarchy of devices. We are still trying to abolish class, caste, and gender lines. The bell is more useful than the phone because it tells people inside the house that someone outside needs immediate attention. Don’t call.

If you still call, should I assume it is that you expect me to appear at the door with an Aarti thali, a la Jaya Bachchan, to the title track of Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham? Not happening, my friend. There is a greater chance that I will bite your ear off. Then the phone will be no good to you. So for my peace of mind, and our collective health, please don’t call.