It was a beautiful summer day; the park was as British as could be. Beautiful hedges, flowers of different hues, benches to sit on, lots of pet dogs walking their owners, and a stream complete with swans and ducks. As we took a leisurely stroll on the embankment, the children were gleeful. Despite the parents’ numerous warnings, the 18-month-old often ran close to the edge of the water, testing her limits. When the hapless mother implored the father to pick her up, his response surprised me. “Let her fall in! The water is only 3 feet deep, and I will pull her out immediately. She will be cold and wet but hopefully, she will have learned her lesson.”
In a time when parents go to ridiculous limits to childproof the world, this unexpected wisdom, from my young cousin, was refreshing. Phrases like ‘tiger moms’ and ‘helicopter parents’ exemplify the new parenting standards. We have become overzealous in removing obstacles from the kids’ lives. As someone who works with teenagers, I am often frustrated by parents who will go to any length to make excuses for their kids’ lack of accountability. Teachers are asked to excuse bad behavior and tardiness at work. The number of parents who call my office to explain why their child is not meeting a predetermined deadline is growing at an alarming rate. It is not that the children cannot speak. Gen Z and beyond, all digital natives, are quite adept at communication. By constantly protecting children from the outcome of their actions, we take away their ability to learn how to make good decisions, and how to deal with the consequence of bad choices.
It is important to let them occasionally fail – excellent practice for the future. Great preparation for life. It is better that they learn now, under our care than in the future when it is likely to cause more damage. Let them fall in the water so that they learn to swim, not sink.
Life’s lessons. Beautifully penned.
true! nicely said
this is absolutely true. learning to deal with failure is so so important.
Can’t argue with the need to learn to fail without being destroyed. And of course, the earlier the better.
However, in your particular scenario, I have a different view. Teens on the cusp of college, who have not learnt to fail (or not been allowed to fail) till then, should probably not be taught those lessons at that time. The lesson, as your cousin’s family did, should be taught early in life, before the age of 10, I would think (No scientific rationale here, just a summary of observations). If, for whatever reason, the child has not learnt those lessons by then, teaching them those in their 11th and 12th grades may do more harm than good.
Why the age of 10? Because, in my observation, by then, social pressures start for girls (a little later for boys). Bullying starts. It can be cruel and pernicious. Not supporting the child at that time can lead to much difficulty later.
When will they learn, you may ask. In my opinion, if a child has not learnt how to fail or develop resilience in general, by the 12th grade, they should be supported till they finish school (and their college admissions process), and then be asked to take a structured gap year. Perhaps a stint with the armed forces. Or really volunteering (not just for the resume) in difficult social situations. Or live in a minimalist facility. You get the idea. At that time, parental support can be withdrawn partly or fully. Let the teenager learn to swim by being allowed to sink, at that time. There won’t be any longer-term consequences. At the end of that year, the student would be in a far better position to thrive despite the challenges of college in a far-off culturally different land.
The incredible amount of stress that starts from the 8th grade till the college admission is secured does not leave room for any withdrawal of parental support. Not all can afford to not take the secure beaten path, which makes the stress and pressure inevitable. Parents have no choice than to support at this time.
Of course, if we talk of teenagers who have developed mental health issues, then the ball-game changes completely. Like we rest the body while recovering from severe infections, we need to provide all support and rest the mind while recovering from mental health issues.
A very wise mom once made her brilliant son join football in 3rd grade (he was terrible at it), just so that he would experience failure. The boy would be in tears, and she would hide hers as well, but she did not relent. The boy was compelled to struggle, fail, and keep working at his football skills. Guess what? In a couple of years, he had progressed to being average (from being the worst on the team) and had developed a core strength that was invaluable. Your cousin’s husband seems to be in the same mould as this particular mom. More power to him.
Rings true. Very well written.
Point(s) taken Veda! all valid.
My views though a bit removed from the subject
Indulgence, overprotection and giving in to every demand makes children selfish, underconfident and entitled. Moderation raises normal children, who learn to accept ‘No’ and failures, which will definitely be a part of life always, in their stride or with courage rather than getting affected mentally.
Parenting is neither a race nor a competition, it is more about your contribution to a child’s mental. physical and social future.
Totally agree!
Great lesson. Learnt a lot from it.