‘Why have you sent them a gift?’ The message asks. The gift in question had been sent from ‘our’ Amazon account, shared to enjoy free shipping. Sharing this and other accounts, purely for convenience, has provided the children with a window into my sundry shopping. I find myself dodging questions like why I had ordered a cake twice in one week (one stalks my Zomato account) or bought yet another set of headphones.

I am generally amused and often gratified that they choose to keep an eye on me from halfway across the world. While I want NO one to tell me what I should or should not eat, buy, or do, their engagement in my life keeps things interesting. Their observations, and sometimes instructions, are mostly reasonable and driven by the hope to protect me from myself. I should listen but often it gets my back up. After all, I am the parent. I am not answerable to them. I know what is good for me. Just then, a small voice in my head says – why then do you have a Swiggy account that is not shared with anyone?

The latest message though sets me thinking about my ‘meddlesomeness’ with my father. He, who is perfectly capable of managing his life. He is mostly at peace with the way things are. And yet, you will find me meddling with most things in his home, advising him how to optimize his life and time, and constantly making things better for him. I regularly throw out food from his fridge when he is not looking, tell him when to go for his daily walk, foods he must eat, productivity tools he must use, how he must pay his bills, even what shows he must watch. Due to the total lack of encouragement from his side, I have been unable to set reminders on his phone for things he certainly does not care for. And I realize that I often walk crossover to the dark side in my quest to improve his life. I have joined the breed of ‘helicopter’ people!

In the last three decades of my professional (and personal) life, I have been interacting with young people, the majority being high schoolers. Slowly but steadily parenting has gone into overdrive; tiger moms have been rapidly replaced by helicopter parents. This type of care often leads to the subject, the very children being taken care of, feeling inadequate, powerless, and constantly under pressure. Most young people can be trusted to manage. They know they can always ask for help. I know because I have been told by my progeny to let them make their own mistakes!

The same applies to parents. Conversations with contemporaries often derail into lamentations of how our parents don’t listen to us! After all, we mean well and are only trying to bring order or ease into their lives. Most of us have parents perfectly capable of making rational decisions. And yet, we end up disregarding the intelligence of the very beings responsible for us becoming the people we are. If the parent chooses not to wear his earpiece for half the day, prefers coolers to airconditioners or continues to support the political party you despise, so be it. It’s a choice, their choice.

I understand what makes caregivers, be they progenitor or progeny, move to the ‘helicopter’ mode. It has its roots in our belief in our superior intelligence and competence. While it starts with the desire to help the other optimize their potential, it quickly becomes an overwhelming need to ‘ensure’ that they do. And sometimes, it stems from the desire to be useful. But doing more does not always translate to doing a better job. At times, it is also about feeling better about oneself. It has more to do with the caregiver than the beneficiary of the care. Instead of the incremental assistance that is needed, we end up smothering the recipient of our care because it makes us feel more productive and possibly better as a person.

Letting go of the desire to control things is not easy especially when you are as competent as I am! The difference between generations will always exist – we will continue to see things differently. But it is important to let the nature order of things prevail – for peace and harmony; and most importantly, out of respect for each other.

Helicopters make a lot of noise when operating. I think I will aim to become a glider. It is gentle. A quality we can all do with more of.